Red, White, adn Drunk In Public
by C.A. Turner
Summary: Kim's met Bill Engvall, and zack & Trini run into Jeff Foxworthy, so, who do Jason & Tommy meet?


_**DISCLAIMER:** Saban, Blue Collar, You know the drill. No. 3 in the Blue Collar Rangers series._

**RED, WHITE, AND DRUNK IN PUBLIC**

**By**

**C.A. TURNER**

Tommy & I were fuming about some clown who got off on a rape & murder charge, and we stopped at this Waffle House in nearby Gateway City. Man, Tommy was pissed, and we started talking about it, when this guy came up to place an order. Tommy spoke up: "One time I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on so long that eventually the criminal shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, "He's got on body armor, he's got on body armor." And I thinking, "I can see his head. Shoot him in the fuckin' head."

This guy obviously understands what Tommy's talking about, when I snapped about how California's afraid to try the death penalty, and he tells us ""I'm from Texas and in Texas we have the death penalty and WE USE IT! That's right, if you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. That's our policy. Right now there's a bill in the Texas legislature that would speed up the execution process of those convicted of a heinous crime with more than three credible witnesses. If more than three people saw you do what you did you don't sit on death row for 15 years Jack, you go straight to the front of the line. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My state's puttin in an express lane."

TOMMY: Jase is tickled by this, and adds "Someone stole the radio out of my van last time I was here. Thank you whoever you are. I spent the entire drive home listening to the sounds of the wind for 49 hours." Jason then snaps his fingers, bobbing his head to an imaginary melody, then continues: "So, I went to the insurance agency to report my claim and they asked me what kind of radio it was, and I had no idea, but the guy told me, "Mr Scott, if you tell us what kind of radio it was we'll know how much to write the check for." Oh?" Jason smirks, and goes "So I wrote down some big, expensive brand and he knew I was lying." Making up this snooty voice, Jase's impersonating the clerk, saying " "Mr Scott, I don't think... Rolex makes a radio." It was a clock radio! Write the check, premium-boy."

It was obviously MY turn, so I told them: "I was sitting on a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos the other day when Robert Tilton came on TV. He's a televangelist out of Dallas. He looked at me and said, 'Are you lonely?' Yeah. 'Have you spent half your life in bars pursuing sins of the flesh?' This guy's good! 'Are you sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos?' I spoke in a high pitched squeaky voice... Yes, sir!' He finished with 'Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?' Ha, ha close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second!"

JASON: My shot, so I shocked Tommy with this: "For my 18th birthday, some guys wanted to take me to a topless bar. I didn't want to go, but I ended up going, cause, and Billy will back me up on this, you've seen one woman nekkid... you wanna see the rest of them nekkid! It can be an old biker chick, you know, they're gonna hang down to here. 'Wanna see me nekid?' "Yeah, I do!" I pause, then finish with "All right, roll 'em back up now! I've seen enough." Things that make you go buhhhh!"

TOMMY: Bells are going off in my head about this time, because recently, Kim met Bill Engvall at the Youth Center, and Zack & Trini met Jeff Foxworhty 2 weeks later. It's confirmed when our new friend tells us: "I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think about bouncing. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, 'Take off the hat!' I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, 'I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!' Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like...yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, 'You're outta here!' and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. The police got called because we broke a chair on the way out, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause we broke it over my thigh. And at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, 'Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!' I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal...arrest them!" He didn't arrest them, instead he had me do a field sobriety check, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo...! "Is that going to be close enough?" It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. _pause_ Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand. _pause_ Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver traveling down that particular sidewalk...and that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than three hundred people. We've met. Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!"" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, 'Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?' Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!"

JASON: Tommy and I are floored, and we tell him that our friends have met 2 of his and we all have watched the Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVDs. He grins, gives us tickets to his show, and says, "Next time Kimberly sees ol' Billy, tell him this 'My son, when he was six years old, was going to fly by himself from Dallas to Austin, to spend a week with his grandparents. I'm putting him on the plane; his grandmother is going to take him off the plane. And the woman who I was buying the ticket from asks, 'Is there going to be anyone in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane?' Nope, I'm gonna pin a twenty dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck! Here's your sign!"

TOMMY: Ron leaves, and we are rolling. It seems that every time we meet one of these guys, we're pissed off about something, and they've made us feel better about this. Whether it's Zordon guiding us to them, or coincidence, I'm glad of it.


End file.
